Have you ever noticed that the closer you try to get to your partner, the more they seem to retreat?

It’s a painful and confusing dynamic. You reach for connection - because that’s what love is supposed to be about - and instead of leaning in, they pull away. If you love someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may already know how heartbreaking this cycle can be.

But that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

As a clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience helping people heal and grow after toxic dynamics, I want to offer something different from the usual internet advice. You won’t find manipulation tactics here - no games, no pretending to be someone you’re not just to get your partner to chase you.

Because real love? It can’t be won by strategy.

What follows is an invitation - to better understand what’s happening under the surface of your avoidant partner, what it stirs in you, and how to respond in a way that honours both connection and your dignity.

What’s Going On Inside an Avoidant Partner?

People with an avoidant attachment style often carry deep, invisible wounds from early relational experiences. Their emotional blueprint may include:

• Emotional deprivation: “No one has ever really been there for me. I’m on my own.”

• Mistrust and fear of abuse: “If I let someone in, they’ll hurt me, control me, or take advantage of me.”

• Shame and defectiveness: “If someone saw the real me - my mess, my needs - they would walk away.”

• Fear of enmeshment: “If I get too close, I’ll lose myself.”

These beliefs aren’t always conscious. They’re often felt truths - baked into the nervous system from a young age. So when you show up with ordinary, human needs (“I miss you”, “I want to feel close”, “Can we talk?”), they may hear something entirely different: danger, pressure, or the risk of being consumed.

They pull away not because they don’t care - but because care itself has never felt safe.

What Does That Stir Up in You?

When someone you love withdraws, it touches your own emotional blueprint. For example:

• If you have a fear of abandonment, their silence might feel like confirmation that you’re unlovable or about to be left.

• If you’ve learned to suppress your needs, you might go quiet, walk on eggshells, and hope they come around.

• If you carry your own sense of emotional deprivation, you might give more and more, hoping they’ll finally give back.

• If you carry shame, their distance might seem like proof that you are the problem.

And so the cycle begins:

You reach - they retreat.
They retreat - you reach harder or silence yourself.
Either way, connection feels further and further away.

How the Cycle Escalates

Over time, this dynamic can create a toxic loop of:

• Pushing for connection in moments of shutdown

• Criticising out of pain: “You never talk to me. You don’t care.”

• Overexplaining or working hard to “make sense of things”

• Eventually shutting down yourself, feeling invisible, hopeless, or ashamed

These are all normal, human responses to disconnection - but they rarely create safety. And for an avoidant partner, they can deepen shame, fear, and withdrawal.

So How Do You Interrupt the Cycle?

Start with yourself.

Pause. Breathe. Attend to what you’re feeling.
Before reaching for them, reach for you. Acknowledge your pain, your longing, your need for connection - not as weaknesses, but as sacred truths. You might say to yourself:

“Of course I feel anxious. I love someone who goes quiet when I need connection. That hurts. And I matter.”

Give yourself what you long for from them - tenderness, steadiness, reassurance. Then, and only then, decide how to respond.

Grounded, Dignified Responses

You don't have to withdraw or erase yourself. Here are some ways to hold your truth and respect theirs:

• Name your need with clarity, not pressure:

  “I know you sometimes need space. I want to talk about this, too. Can we find a time?”

• Offer space with warmth, not protest:

  “Take what you need. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

• Share your truth without blame:

  “I want emotional consistency in order to feel safe. I think you’re capable of that, and I’d love to talk about what that might look like for us.”

• Shift the setting for intimacy:
  Eye contact and deep talks aren’t the only way. Go for a walk. Cook together. Share experiences. Avoidant partners often feel safer connecting side-by-side rather than face-to-face.

And Sometimes, the Hardest Move: Walking Away

If your needs are chronically unmet - if your voice always feels like a burden or your longing is treated like a flaw - then the most self-loving choice might be to leave.

Not to manipulate. Not to punish.
But because you have come to care about yourself too much to keep negotiating for scraps.

“This isn’t what love is meant to feel like. I’m choosing me.”

And if they return later, asking to come back into your life, the question is no longer whether they want you.

It’s whether you still want them.

Final Thoughts

Relationships like these exist on a spectrum. Sometimes they can be transformed. Sometimes they’re too painful to continue. But one thing is always true:

You do not have to abandon yourself to be loved.

You do not need to play games, twist yourself into something smaller, or carry the emotional labour for two people. Whether your next step is connection, pause, or goodbye - make sure it’s one rooted in truth, tenderness, and your own unshakeable worth.

Because love should never feel like you’re drowning.